To 2017: Thanks For The Memories

This year has been a stressful, tiring, nerve-wrecking, burning, worn-out, overworking, exasperating, and the list goes on from the thesaurus. Let me start with the challenge I did way back last April. It was the 100-Day Haiku Challenge. It made me anxious and at the same time creative because I have to think of a new topic each day, from under the sun to a random one as long as I post a new one each day. It was really a tiring challenge because I need to keep the words at the right number of lines and put meaning to it. Well, I’m glad it was over.

This year as well, I have gain lots of friends and enemies at the same time. I don’t like to dive in it that much because it’s related to work and I don’t like to talk about work in this God forsaken post of mine. Just know that there are rumors to make my workmates feel happy about themselves and some are true that I don’t care. I just don’t give a fuck about it that much because it’s not my business to dwell on it much. It’s not my part of my resume to be an eavesdropper. Well, looks like I just made my point about not talking about my work, and yes that’s how toxic work is. Well, that’s it for work.

This year, I admit myself I am a rude, impatient, spend-thrifty, angry, and moody person. Rude, because I don’t respect people’s opinions because they are either useless or dumb. I push people because they are slow (walking, yes) and loud to the point I am slamming doors and slamming things to deliver a word that I don’t like what they are doing. Impatient, because I don’t like people who are slow in thinking and can’t even make up their mind. Spend-thrifty, because I always eat outside when I’m stressed and I buy books and clothes even though I still have them unread and new clothes stack up. Angry, because I am easily annoyed by people’s loud mouths with their useless topics. I also don’t like people forcing me to apologize for what I’ve done. If they want a sincere apology? Don’t force me. Dumbfuck. And moody, because I am sometimes quiet and sometimes loud. I also cry because I don’t have what I want or I cry out of nowhere. I also decide slower because I am dumb. So, there’s that.

All I am saying is that this year’s memories and experiences make me what I am right now and I don’t like bringing them to a new year. What I want for the new year is to change, I’ll be myself again but a different one. I just don’t like people think of me different because I’m quiet. The people around me told me to change because I’m too quiet and right now I’m too loud and wants to mingle with them and then they don’t like the way I’m acting? They told me to change even though they said it to me in the first place? So who should I listen more? It’s time for me to not listen to what they are thinking of me and I’ll just be contented of what I have.

Here’s the list for me to bring in 2018:

1. Don’t become someone you don’t

2. Be original

3. Help yourself out

4. Get some rest

5. Stay hydrated

6. Read more books

7. Write more

8. Be in a good company

9. Be patient

10. Don’t spend a lot, save more

And also, I’m still thinking of a new challenge to do next year, something simple but can work my mind out, too. I’ll probably be a bit busy on the following months but I’ll stay connected.

As the famous Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy says or sings:

“Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren’t so great”

Thanks for everything, and for the lessons I learn. The mistakes I made have been great lessons, too. And that I won’t do them again.

 

 

Advertisements

Do I Have It?: How I Am Fascinated With Characters’ Mental Illnesses

Recently, I just finished John Green’s new book, Turtles All The Way Down. I got intrigued at first because this is the first time John’s written a mystery book and I thought it was full of mystery and solving crimes but no it was completely different.

So the main character, Aza Holmes, has a mental problem like the thoughts are controlling her and keep saying that C. Diff will kill her and that bacteria will consume her and eventually dies. The mystery is still there when a billionaire disappears out of nowhere and leaves two boys feeling scared and anxious (“Father of the Year”).

What’s more interesting is that it talks about mental issues. I just realized that I am more drawn to stories with mental issues or have mental problems. I am not saying that I am healthy, I am interested in reading more about it and the stories that tells me about the problems.

The book I read, The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness suffers a similar mental problem like Aza. The book doesn’t talk much about mental issues, but the I have drawn to it and it feels like I want to understand more.

My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga is another book that has characters with mental issues but because they are troubled by their past. Aysel is obsessed in plotting her death after her father got arrested of a murder and she wants to end of her life because of it but she wants to do it with someone else. Roman comes into the picture and he also wants to kill himself because he was not a good brother to her younger sister which led to her death. They are both fine in the end, that’s good. It pique my interest when they told their own stories and why they want to die. I am by far the worst person in looking for people with mental issues.

All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven is also a story about suicide but one of them kills himself (oops). They both suffer mental illness but they found each other and got to understand what it means to live life and going to never been to before places with the one you love. (I was here)

So there, I read 4 books about mental illness. I cringe that most people find love because they share the same illness. No. It’s disgusting, it’s difficult to understand. They need support and love not just pairing them up because they have the same illness or problems.

The question is, do I have it? I’m still not so sure about it myself. There are times that I’m stressed and gets anxious all of a sudden and there are times I shut off completely like I rather sleep all my life than do anything that’s productive. I easily get emotional and people tell me I’m unstable because I can’t control them and I rather use emotions has an excuse to end an argument. I am also depressed most of the time because I also have thoughts like Aza but these are different. They keep telling me I’m useless and I have no use as a member of the society. I always alone. I prefer to be alone but I want to have someone with me. It just so confusing.

The characters in the books I’ve read somewhat connected me. Yes, I think of suicidal thoughts and yes I also wash off the dirt three or four times an hour. But they somehow find ways to improve their health but the thoughts linger. I wish I have the strength to push away my bad thoughts, the ones who keep telling me I’m useless, hopeless.

All I’m saying is I have changed my genre in reading books and I am drawn to people with mental issues. I’m also glad that they got to be cured or getting cured and I get to understand what they’ve be through. I just wish I can do the same.

 

Sweater Weather in the Morning

“I don’t mind if there’s not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides a mind
To move to a place so far away” -Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood

My mind is a maze that cannot decipher a route.

You will get lost with my words and my thoughts.

But your silence gives a path,

That would lead you to the right way.

A proper exit.

Then, you will see me… soon.

Speck of Dust on a White Sand

Waves of people keep coming in, ready to converge with each other,

Topics on their mind ready to spill out and secrets to uncover,

I am here, am I ready to mingle?

Or am I just there to giggle?

 

I just sit on my cracked chair, wondering if I can start to move,

To be part of their groove.

I stand up, getting closer,

My confidence is all over me.

 

They look up, like I got something on my face,

And I feel that I am invading their place.

Slowly, I back out,

Taking a different route.

 

I am so close to be apart of the grain,

In the end, I am just a dirt to drain.

I can’t pleased them with my appearance,

I am an interference.

 

Pleasing everyone is difficult,

When you’re an adult.

But I wish I can erase this mistake,

I want myself to break.

 

But I can’t be broken,

I am being blown.

I am a dirt on the glass,

Like a silent student in my class.

 

After the end of the day,

I cannot stay,

I keep going,

Keep blowing.

——————————–

I can return to my being quiet myself,

Never to bother them.

Grains of sand can be washed away,

But a dust keeps building up.

 

And it will stay itself,

Until someone accepts its gray,

And takes it far away.

Never to be seen

 

Note: Last two verses are just free verses. I just want to express what I feel and I can’t control the rhymes and the syllables. I’m still trying to learn, I hope I can.

 

 

 

My Random Café Visit at Bicester Café

I was still recovering from my stomach ache that happened last night and I needed that caffeine boost after being idle for awhile. So I was scrolling in my Facebook account and saw my workmate’s blog. The blog was about her visiting this café during her break. The café was called Bicester Café. After reading her blog, I went to their Facebook Page and looked at their photos. The place was cozy and they served breakfast and drinks like coffee and cocktails. So I decided to make a random visit there.

When I arrived at the café, the I was right, the place looked cozy and it had that English smell when I entered inside.

20170821_114801[1]

The outside of the cafe

My goal for my visit was to get my caffeine boost, so I ordered a medium Iced Latte (I’m a sucker for getting a hot coffee). The price is not that bad, similar to Starbucks and Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and the serving is already enough for the price.

20170821_105504[1]

Iced Latte for P110

20170821_105511[1]

Pierce to the heavens, straw

Their pastries are really cute in display to be honest.

20170821_104600[1]

With the logo

Good thing I brought my book because it was raining outside and I had to wait for an hour to stop. I had a mini photo shoot inside the place as well.

20170821_110522[1]

Sat next to the 80’s vibes lighting

20170821_111048[1]

Perfect for a reading place, as well. (excuse the pinkish light)

20170821_113202[1]

Their menu

The place also is quiet but if there are only 1 or 2 persons there, and a few baristas.

Overall, this place is perfect for those who wants to read in peace and have their breakfast and coffee at the same time. As what I said, it has this English breakfast environment (maybe it’s the name of the café). And it’s just near my apartment and my work too. Perfect! Do visit them and have a coffee or breakfast as well.

 

Bicester Café is located at Mahogany Place along Pope John Paul II Ave, Cebu City.

They’re open from 7AM-11PM Daily

Do visit also their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/bicestercafe/

And Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bicestercafe/